Funfetti

In case you are wondering where I have gone and whether I ever intend to come back...here is an update:

Things aren't very pretty in my life right now...and rather than writing a bunch of depressing "poor me" posts...I've decided to save those for my personal journal entries and long drawn out pleas to God Himself.

So, I'm unofficially signing off until I have nicer things to sprinkle through all the gloom and doom.

In the meantime, I will wait on answers from God...and attempt to muster up courage to forgive, trust, and love.

Babies and Diapers and Pumps! Oh my!

Please don't fret...

I'm not gone...just very, very busy.

I promise to post again soon.

I know.

You are biting your nails off...

anxiously awaiting my return...

Don't lie.

Really.

You're not fooling anyone.

Psalm 71

In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame. Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness; turn your ear to me and save me. Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress. Deliver me, o my God, from the hand of the wicked, from the grasp of evil and cruel men. For you have been my hope, O Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth. From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother's womb. I will ever praise you. I have become like a portent to many, but you are my strong refuge. My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your spendor all day long. Do not cast me away when I am old; do not forsake me when my strength is gone. For my enemies speak against me; those who wait to kill me conspire together. They say, "God has forsaken him; pursue him and seize him, for no one will rescue him." Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me. May my accusers perish in shame; may those who want to harm me be covered with scorn and disgrace. But as for me, I will always have hope: I will praise you more and more, My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure. I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign Lord; I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone. Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God., till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come. Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God, you who have done great things. Who, O God, is like you? Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again brng me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again. I will prase you with the harp for your faithfulness, O my God; I will sing praise to you with the lyre, O Holy One of Israel. My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you--I, whom you have redeemed. My tongue will tell of your righteous acts all day long, for those who wanted to harm me have been but to shame and confusion.

In the times of Tschaikovsky....

So...I was nervous for NOTHING!!

Turns out, the Civic Orchestra is comprised of both professional musicians AND aspiring amateurs such as myself. So...when I sat down by the older gentleman playing the viola (did I see hearing aides?)...I took a deep breath and realized that I was, in fact, NOT in over my head. It was interesting to actually sit in on an orchestra rehearsal and observe string players. It's a WHOLE different world from band, that's for darn sure. The conductor is an oboist...so he was quirky...but with perfect pitch. And that, my friends, was a good time.

Nothing else new going on here...fighting off a nasty three week cold....trying to muster up motivation to keep our apartment clean and my husband fed...happy that it's finally turning cooler...

And SUPER EXCITED that after this week, I might actually, finally, get to spend more time with my husband! Yes, it's true. Marching band has ONE MORE WEEKEND. After which, we are planning on parking our happy butts on the couch with supreme nachos and some really great movies...

All

Day

Long.

It will be GLORious.

I have no idea what great movies...but we will, nontheless, find great movies.

Do you have any suggestions?

new opportunities...old problems

Today I get to rehearse with an orchestra for the VERY FIRST TIME in my life. Since I began playing the flute at age 11, I've dreamed of playing in an orchestra. Unfortunately, the next 12 years of my life were dedicated to BAND. Nothing wrong with band...it just doesn't give me goosebumps like a soaring symphony does. ANYway...here I go. I'm nervous...scared that I'm not in good enough shape...but going forth nontheless.

:)

Sewing for etsy has taking a backseat. Actually, it sadly got dumped out of the car. For the time being, at least. I'm too busy and have too many other things to do when I have free time.

Like selling a bunch of crap very useful things on eBay.

Big Wheels Keep on Turning...

While perusing the dusty library shelves last week searching for natural childbirth books (I did see the Ina May book again...believe me...I passed it up...too many nakey-hippie pictures!!), I stumbled upon this:

As soon as I opened the front cover, the decision had been made.

I will bike to work.

It's only a 3 minute drive...how hard could it really be?

So, Tom and I bought a bike helmet at Target last night with some leftover birthday money, and I decided to do a test run today. In preparation, I reviewed the "merging" and "signalling" part of the instruction manual, and succeeded in getting myself SO incredibly hyped up for my first adventure on Tesson Ferry that I was physically shaking.

I was just a little nervous..

Ten minutes later, I was suited up....I even took my wallet with me in case I got smashed on the side of the road. In the event my face was unidentifiable...they would at least have my driver's liscense to look at:) Nevertheless, with a few deep breaths and the snap of my helmet buckle..I was off.

I rode to the top of our apartment complex and prepared for the right turn. The cars were going a little faster than I had imagined...but I pushed off anyway. My trusty book said to ride just inside the right white line...and to not worry about cars needing to pass...I have a right to the road just as much as they do! So...that's what I did.

I don't like being slower than others around me...so for the first 5 minutes I was up out of the saddle peddling as fast as my little feet could take me. It's easy..I thought...it's just Tesson..right? I bet it wasn't 30 seconds later that my legs turned to jell-o and I was panting so hard I thought I would pass out. Looking up, all I could see was the next half of the climb looming before me.

Now...we're talking about the girl who embarks on 20 mile bike rides and 4-5 mile runs without much of a problem...but apparently I'm not meant to travel at such lightning speed. 

Silly girl.

I stopped in a parking lot a couple blocks from where I started and began calming myself down. My neighbor even saw me and stopped to see if I was ok. Yes...I was fine...just a little embarrassed for only making it 2 feet down the road...

After a few deep breaths, some shedding of the outer layers, and a readjustment on my seat, I was ready to try again. This time...a little less ambitious.

The rest of the ride was fairly smooth...I made it all the way to where I work and then turned around and came back. I even merged into the left-hand turn lane to turn back into my apartment complex. I'm not sure I'll be doing that again...

The general consensus is that the majority of South County drivers have no idea what to think of a 20-something girl riding her bike down the road. It's like I had a third eye or something. It felt REALLy nice when a cement truck barrelled right by me without even moving over to the left portion of his lane. All I could think was Holy Sh--!! But, I know that as long as I ride safely and avoid the really heavy traffic and riding at night..I'm probably going to be fine.

Probably.

Maybe some people will take notice and realize that maybe they really don't have to hop in their car to go 5 minutes down the street. It's a great workout...and uses much less gas!

In other news...I'm getting ready to select some  fabric to make these super cute purses:

If all goes well, maybe I'll make more to sell on in my shop:)

Have a wonderful day!!

See Below

I. H A T E. M O H E L A.

*pulls out hair* 

.......and now back to your regularly scheduled program....

Swirly Twirly Goodness

Just added!

*and there was much rejoicing*

Ok...not really. But aren't they spiffy?

Mayhem Sighting #2

Remember the post office lady? I saw her again. Walking into the bank as I was walking out. I wish I would've stayed a little bit longer so that maybe I'd have something more interesting to write about today.

Oh well.

It Don't Mean a Thing...

Yesterday was my 28th birthday, and, as sad as it is to say, I think I've hit that point in life where birthdays really don't mean a whole lot anymore. Sure, it's exciting to get the random "happy bday!!" texts and even the awkward calls from parents...but I just don't get all revved up for it like I used to. It also makes me feel kinda bad when someone forgets--figures out that they forgot--and then calls frantically to aplogize about forgetting. It's really not that big of a deal, folks...

What was super fun about this year's celebration, however, was the swing dance lesson my husband arranged for us to take last night. It was just us and a fabulous German lady for an entire hour. She was shocked at our ability to pick things up so quickly...but I think she was just trying to trick us into signing up for more lessons:)

I thoroughly enjoyed myself...because apparently..I love to dance. Who knew?

You know what else I learned? Partner dancing is sooooo easy if you are a girl.

That is, of course, if you are willing to follow---and I was told that--(now I need you to remember this) *I am a great follower*.

Did you hear that?? I couldn't even believe she said it. Must've fooled her:)

Anyway, we will definitely be returning to that particular studio, but hopefully with more friends in tow. It will be much cheaper...and a whole lot more fun with other people to make fun of.

I'm so nice, right?

Well, I'm off for another weekend...maybe next week I'll be more motivated to write, create, and play music. Oh...and I can't forget all of the folding, scrubbing, organizing, and underwaterbasketweaving that I've also been neglecting. Seriously. It's a good thing I don't live in a big mansion when I can't even keep our apartment picked up. Oh well. When I die...I'm sure there will be some poor soul that will want to clean up my filth...

Again with the niceness... I really need to check my tone.

Or Joel might come and get me. And that would be scary. Be nice, Joel. Be nice.

Some Thursday Encouragement

I just read a chapter in Job that totally got me...Bear with me..it's long.

This is the chapter that Elihu finally speaks up to Job and the others after previously being scared because he is so much younger. The past 15 chapters or so have been Job's friends telling him that God was punishing him because he had sinned...and then eventually Job being angry because he couldn't see how he had ever sinned enough to deserve the desolation he was given...and even more angry because God was seemingly silent in the midst of it all.

Get it Elihu.

"But I tell you, in this you are not right, for God is greater than man. Why do you complain to him that he answers none of man's words? For God does speak--now one way, now another-- though man may not perceive it. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falls on men as they slumber in their beds, he may speak in their ears and terrify them with warnings, to turn man from wrongdoing and keep him from pride, to preserve his soul from the pit, his life from perishing by the sword. Or a man may be chastened on a bed of pain with constant distress in his bones, so that his very being finds food repulsive and his soul loathes the choicest meal. His flesh wastes away to nothing, and his bones, once hidden, now stick out. His sould draws near to the pit, and his life to the messengers of death.

Yet if there is an angel on his side as a mediator, one out of a thousand, to tell a man what is right for him, to be gracious to him and say, 'Spare him from going down to the pit; I have found a ransom for him (Jesus?)'--then his flesh is renewed like a child's; it is restored as in the days of his youth. He prays to God and finds favor with him, he sees God's face and shouts for joy; he is restored by God to his righteous state.

Then he comes to men and says, 'I sinned and perverted what was right, but I did not get what I deserved. He reedemed my soul from going down to the pit, and I will live to enjoy the light.

God does all these things to a man--twice, even three times--to turn back his soul from the pit, that the light of life may shine on him." --Job 33:12-30

So, you mean that I'm really not supposed to be perfect?? And that me not being that way actually glorifies God??

Go figure...

Mayhem

I had a rather quiet morning...sewing...listening to music...just chilling out, really. These are some of the new placemats I'm working on. I have the fabric cut out so far...hopefully I'll add them to my shop tomorrow.

And then I went to the post office.

Pretty boring, yes?

Oh...no no no no no.

I show up at the post office with my latest eBay shipment at around 10:40am, expecting the place to be open...running...business as usual. I walk in to find that it does not, in fact, open until 11:00am. Bummer...but no big deal. There was already an older man waiting inside before I got there..so I figured I would just put on my big girl panties (again) and just wait it out.

I stand at the counter placing the final touches on my box..and begin drumming my fingers on the sides...hoping time will move just a little bit faster. A few people walk in---and assuming that I am the most knowledgable person around---ask me questions about when the office would be open ......if there is a stamp machine...where the ticket dispenser is...how many kids I have...you know..the basics. Some people get fed up and leave...but the proud few--like me--are determined to stick it out. It's only 3 more minutes...how bad can it be, right?

Oh dear. If I could only see.

Another 2.5 minutes creep by...and the p.o. staff begin to set up shop....counting the cash drawer...greeting all of us a nice cheery morning...opening the gate where the TICKET DISPENSER is...

The next thing my unassuming eyes dare to behold, is a tall blonde woman (man?) storming through just about the time the pearly gate (guarding the golden tickets, of course) slid open.

Immediately, she bursts over to grab the first ticket...though...as any sound minded individual could see...there were at least 10 people in line at this point.

Ok....maybe she will just wait her turn after she realizes how long the line is...and that we've all been waiting here for at least 20 minutes...we're all adults...right??

Ha.

As soon as she grabs her ticket and scurries her skinny little sun-tanned self up to the counter to be first...I feel the rage boiling up inside me.

Molten Lava.

Other people in line begin to follow suit and rush to get their tickets..because...obviously...this was going to be a blood bath. I finally get there, and a nice man gave me his ticket because I'd been waiting there longer...or he feels guilty...hard to tell. I take it, say thank you, and remember the little old man who had been waiting there so patiently. I give the ticket to him...and return to my post to keep guard.

The forces are at the ready.

Deep breaths.

Various individuals in line, including me, begin hollering out things like:

Hey lady...we were here first! Who do you think you are? Why don't you try waiting in line like the rest of us?

Ignores.

The mail clerk calls out the first number. The infamous number 65. Determined, woman makes her move.

Finally, the little old man with his shaking cane speaks his piece.

Oh...but she would have NONE of that.

She promptly begins berating the poor guy...telling him that he's stupid...and that anyone with a BRAIN would realize that SHE had the first number....oh and she throws in a few about how she hates South County and that we're all stupid.

and

it

is

on.

She and the man bicker back and forth with a few interjections from the postal worker asking her to calm down. I threw in a few of my own...very much ignored....but at this point....the rage has emerged to my skin and nerves.

I WAS VIOLENTLY SHAKING.

Not even kidding.

And THEN I realize that she has a man with her. He is very much shorter than she...and is telling all of us that she has been injured in Iraq and that her brain isn't right. That she is disabled. That her dog just died.

Seriously?

Wow.

The worker decides to let the old man go first, since he knew well and good he'd been standing there for quite a while.

He hobbles very slowly up to the counter....the irate woman yelling obscenities at him the entire way....makes his transaction...and slowly hobbles out.

The woman refuses to be served until the man had left the room.

No, I will not move over! He's still here. He won't leave! Make him leave!!

To keep myself from charging her and ripping all of her hair out, I decide to just stand and stare at her 4" platforms. Nice.

Her man is still making brain injury excuses for her.

A few minutes later, the little old man finally exits the building, and she jumps in to be served. Because it's her turn. She has #65.

And then she started taping her bright pink package.

One

skinny

strip

at

a

time.

The line has easily grown to 15 patiently waiting (but very annoyed) people...staring at her in utter disbelief.

I am literally about to black out.

She finally pays for her shipment and catwalks out....her little man not far behind.

He's still making excuses as he passes each person in line.

At this point, I begin to see that my emotional involvement in this situation is ridiculously stupid...and I plead with God to help me calm down.

And then I start laughing.

Just when I think that my life is so freaking boring...I get to witness something so absurdly wild.

Wow.

I asked God to forgive me for letting my anger control me. And for judging her...because maybe she does have some sort of injury. And for my pride...because even if she doesn't...Jesus still hung for her...just like He did for me. I really feel sorry for the woman. She seemed very unhappy.

Maybe Beth could offer her some Butt Paste. I'm sure that would make her feel better...

And I chuckled to myself the whole way home.

:)

Sit 'n Stuff

Today, I stuffed diapers.

For 5.

straight.

hours.

It was absolutely exHILarating.

Not even kidding.

There was something amazingly wonderful about mindlessly stuffing and packaging bumGenius! in a nice quiet warehouse.

In fact...I volunteered.

Crazy much?

Not quite.

It was the break my brain needs.

Probably at least once a week.

Which is why I will be gracing the warehouse staff with my presence for not 1...not 2...but 3 more Tuesdays.

NICE.

And this is my friend Margaret. She's special...cuz she's my sis.

:)

Messy

I'm working on expecting the messy-ness of life. Knowing that life isn't supposed to be perfect..and that we're never actually meant to "arrive" really gets me down in the dumps sometimes. I'm starting to learn, though, that it's not about avoiding the mess, but more about how you clean them up...and who you let help. Sometimes the messes require a dust mop and a a little cleaner...others require a shop-vac and a hazmat suit.

Seriously.

The great thing is...the clean up is happening a little easier these days...despite my stubborn will. Somehow God accepts me in my mess...and starts cleaning it up well before I decide to put my suit on and join in. Somehow I think that He would finish it up even if I refused to unfold my arms or to retreat from my dusty corner. And then He would dump the mess in the trash, gingerly walk over to me, and sit with me until I trusted His love again.

That God.

He's a keeper.

:)

Starting Out

I grew some big girl pants and made some placemats!!

I just posted them in my brand spankin' new etsy shop...and I think they're super cute.

I am really hoping this endeavor will grow into something amazing one day, but right now my confidence is small.

I just need to remember that God is big and so is His love:)

Overwhelmed

Do you ever feel like you're just one breath away from a complete explosion? Like if one more worry or one more anxious thought would tip the scale far enough to send you over the edge?

Well...that's where I am.

I used to have dreams...passions...ability...absolute desire... and somehow life swallowed it all up and forced it to wander around aimlessly in the depths of my soul...where not even I can find it anymore...

The purpose of this little adventure is to find myself again. To unveil the bright-eyed girl inside me who used to jump out of bed at the mere thought of spending another sweet day in the arms of my Savior. The girl who lived daringly...fearlessly...knowing the walls and skin that surround me are but a vaporizing mist....and being unreasonably content at the prospect.

I'm ready to accept my past.

I'm ready to forgive the wounds of the past.

I'm ready to learn how to forgive myself.

I'm ready to find my way home to grace.

********