Friday, April 29, 2011

On the road again...

I'm emotionally exhausted...but nevertheless...the show must go on!

We are leaving in a few short minutes to spend the weekend auditioning and looking for apartments.


But, I'm sure everything will be fine.

Just fine.

And maybe if I repeat that to myself enough, I might start to believe it. :)

Thursday, April 28, 2011


Ok...I know my posting is getting a little out of hand...but I'm just making up for lost time.

I've been thinking about this song a lot this year, and I've been wanting to post it on here for a while.

I heard it in the middle of a really terrible week when I thought everything I'd ever known was all just a big fat lie. I was sick of my family...where we job...and to add to all the gloom and doom...the weather had been gray and dreary for weeks. Each day I would plead for God to just fix it all. To make me and my life better so that I could just function.

All day, I'd been running around like a crazy person trying to get everything done for everyone who needed it--and finally I was speeding down the highway to get to Wildwood so I could babysit my niece and nephews. Of course, construction on 270 delayed me when I would've otherwise been on time..and I HATE ALWAYS BEING LATE!!

I was absolutely spent.

And then this song came on the radio...just as the sun was setting through the breaking clouds. Truly, a marvelous sight to behold. The most eloquent words I could produce for you right now could not describe the overwhelming sense of the peace of God's presence with me at that very moment. All of a sudden, I just knew everything was going to be ok.

Nothing was solved, of course, but I was definitely not alone.

Slowly, a lone tear trickled from my right eye (it always starts with that one...)...and before I knew it I was bawling so hard I missed my exit. I had to drive all the way to Six Flags so I could turn around and catch the correct highway.
I hope the words of this song are encouraging to wherever you are right now...

And if you've already heard it a thousand times...thanks for humoring me anyway:)


by Laura Story
We pray for blessings,
We pray for peace,
Comfort for family,
Protection while we sleep.
We pray for healing,
We pray for your mighty hand,
To ease our suffering.

And all the while,
You hear each spoken need--
Your love is way too much to give us lesser things.

What if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you’re near?
What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom,
Your voice to hear,
We cry in anger when we cannot feel you near.
We doubt your goodness,
We doubt your love,
As if every promise from your word is not enough.

And all the while
You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe.

What if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you’re near?
What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us,
When darkness seems to win, we know
The pain reminds this heart that this is not our home.

What if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you’re near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Are the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?
And what if trials of this life--
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights--
Are your mercies in disguise?

And so it continues...

Organizational Obsession of the Day: The File Cabinet

Two weeks ago when I was preparing to apply for a teaching job that was open in Columbia, I got really excited about finally organizing all of my professional documents. I've had a half-done portfolio stuffed into a drawer since I graduated in 2005...and sinking my teeth in and actually finishing it felt amazing. The wierd thing is, I really have no desire to teach band anymore--but I LOVED getting all of my showcase materials prettily arranged in a slick binder. I happily sorted, hole-punched, purged, and printed for Lord only knows how long--all before breakfast. And when I was done, I surveyed all I had done, and I saw that it was good. Mmm. Sweet satisfaction.

Today, I've been awake for approximately 2 hours. I am still in my coke-bottle glasses and boxers (don't worry...there's a shirt involved too), I haven't eaten breakfast, I still need to practice and run , I have a long list of other things I could be doing before I go into work at noon...but I've had other things on my mind.

There is a drawer on the lower right hand side of my desk that is stuffed full of papers in disarray. They are mostly beginning band handouts, scales, warmups, grading rubrics, and songs I have been collecting since I began teaching in 2006. I haven't had the need for any of it this year, but with our move coming up, I wanted to go through it to see if I could get rid of some extra baggage. And so, all morning I have been making piles and labeling files...making everything "just-so"...and now it is done...and it looks amazing. Not to mention the feeling of accomplishment it gives me.

It's like popping a zit or picking a dry scab. Sick...but oh so refreshing.

I used to think that my overwhelming desire to organize things meant that maybe I should be a Professional Organizer. One summer I even contacted a local P.O. to apprentice her and learn the business. I soon discovered that I found little satisfaction teaching someone how to organize their things when I could just take it over and do it myself instead. I've noticed that I only get the itch to purge and sort when life begins to fluxuate into a transition...and I am convinced that the outward expression of being organized and completely put together is just my way of excercising control when I feel like things are spinning out of control around me. If there are circumstances in my life that I can't fix or figure out...I desperately search for something I can.

Admitting it is the first step, right?

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

For every thing...turn, turn, turn...

Things are a-changing around here.... A couple of weeks ago I got so anxious about moving that I pulled out my Organizing Plain and Simple book. I only pull out this book when I want to get really obsessive about something. For about 3 solid hours I pored over the section on "relocating" and made excell spreadsheet after spreadsheet mapping out every possible scenario of our upcoming transition. When I showed it to my husband, I could literally smell the ooze as his eyes glazed over before he finally said, "Ok honey, I think we've had enough of this for a while." It was as if I were the drug addict and he my sponsor. Very sad. But I do love my spreadsheets.

Last weekend, we were visiting the school where my husband will be attending and working next year. We were actually there to supervise a group of middle school band students from our district, but his future supervisor was there and took us aside for an hour or so to show us around and chat a bit. During the tour, we learned that there is another opening for a teaching assistantship that I could apply for. I hadn't planned on starting my Masters just yet, but the plan was to only wait a year. With the possibility of a free degree, I would definitely consider starting sooner than we thought. Exciting, right? As soon as I got home, I got my application materials ready in 5.4 seconds and couldn't understand why the admissions director wasn't on the same time-warped schedule I was. I obsessively checked my email over and over again waiting for his reply....I worried when there wasn't anything there....pored over my application 6 more times....worried some more...I think I might've even made another spreadsheet...

It's super pathetic.

I've got to remember that the best thing I can do for myself is to just relax and get my butt into a practice room. No matter how many times I check my email, what is supposed to happen will happen...and it's not in my hands anymore. I've got to trust God enough to know that He's got it all under control and that my only job right now is to live the life He's given me.

I'll let you know how that goes...

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Jesus Day :)

I don't really know what the plan is...

All I know is that whatever it is, it's got me practicing my flute again....

Which I absolutely love. Period. The end.

So...whatever the outcome...I'm ok. :)

Oh yeah...and...


Monday, April 11, 2011

Damn Bird

Each morning at approximately 9am, I get to experience this ridiculous side show.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

We Did It!

Before the race...after we waited in really LONG lines at the Johnny on the Spot.

And then we ran, and ran, and ran...and when we felt like we couldn't run anymore....we whined, and then we ran some more:)

With our finisher's medals and goody bags...SO excited that we made it! We finished 13.1 miles in 2:29...about a 11:45 minute mile. The competitive soul in me was pissed we didn't run it faster...but that's what happens when there are 25,000 other people on the street with you!

Thanks to all of you who cheered us on and encouraged us along the way...and especially to our coach..Erin!! She helped us so much and made the whole day SO much more fun.

We've come a long way, girl:)

Ok...well here's to a happy and healthy race...and to our next race event!

I'm thinking the Chicago marathon sounds nice...

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Get. It.

Tomorrow, my husband and I will be running the Go! St. Louis Half Marathon.

A Half Marathon.


When I was 15, I couldn't even run a mile. This is absolutely CRAZY.

But, it couldn't have come at a more perfect time.

Exactly a year ago, I was facing a personal situation that made me just want to quit at life. I was thoroughly convinced that I had neither the ability to survive nor the will. And just like the feeling I get after we've painstakingly run a really long slow hill and then turned to look back down it...I'm starting to see how far I've come. Not only in my ability to mentally survive 13.1 miles...but in my emotional strength to exist in a very long frustrating personal battle. And I'm always reminded that it hasn't been the ability and strength I could muster up on my own...but God's amazing grace upon my life. :)

I'm so excited to run tomorrow because I know how the battle ends.

In absolute victory.